new beginnings...

We must try not to sink beneath our anguish, but battle on. - JK Rowling


It's been quite a roller coaster two years for me with many ups and many downs. I've had to make serious, important, life altering decisions. I've had to say good bye to people I thought would always be in my life. I've had to learn to let go and just let life take its course. I will be the first to admit that it hasn't been easy. I felt helpless and lost. All of a sudden I no longer recognized my reflection in the mirror. Gone was the zealous, passionate young girl from years ago. Gone was the young lady ready to settle down and have a family. All that was left was mere pieces of myself. The journey of picking up those pieces, fitting them together and filling in the missing parts has been tremulous, arduous and bittersweet. 


There were dark moments when I thought my world was completely ending and days, even weeks filled with immense hopelessness. The thought that I did not know what direction my life was going to take was absolutely petrifying. It was as if my life stood still whilst everyone else's was quickly moving forward, with any hope of myself catching up deemed completely impossible. Even worse, in the presence of friends and family, I continued to put a smile on my face pretending all was well. Not realizing the mere action of feigning being all right ebbed away at what little light, direction and happiness I had left in me. I was at a breaking point. I was at my lowest point. All of a sudden, all the questions I had been ignoring came to front. I had no other choice but to face them and start looking for answers. Where am I going? How do I move on from here? What happened to me? What happened to my life? Facing and answering those questions has been the hardest thing I've had to do, but also the instrument that finally shed some clarity and light in a world that had gone hazy and dark. 


I realized I spent years following what others had wanted for me. I had shaped my plans not according to my wants, but according to what worked best for others. In my heart I knew I wasn't living for myself, but I had spent year after year denying that fact, that to suddenly have it thrown in my face was like having a ton of bricks thrown at me. Through resiliency I didn't know I had, I somehow picked myself up, got myself together and finally resolved to forge my own path.... and deciding to forge my own path was the best decision I have ever made for myself. I knew a lot of changes were in store, but most essential I knew I had to start listening to my own heart. So I listened. I went back to school full time determined more than ever to find a career that would ultimately make me happy. Hell bent on having a happy 27th birthday, against all practicalities, I decided to go on holiday during my birthday. And it was on that little holiday, far away from my old life, that I actually began to envision my new life. 


An excerpt from a journal entry reflecting on that holiday:
"It's been a whirlwind week. Last week I was a the Tate Modern standing in front of masterpieces by Pollock, Krasner, Dali, and Gauguin. Today I'm at a local cafe sitting, merely thinking about it. A week ago seems so long ago and feels like another world. I had done the long trek (or since I apparently took the long way) from Waterloo Station to the museum along the South Bank of the Thames on a blustery, grey and wet morning. It was glorious and freeing knowing my destination whilst unsure of the path to get there. On my walk, I encountered things I've seen before, things I haven't, detours, road closures and short cuts. Without a map I wandered on, hoping somehow I was still going the right way. After quite a few detours, some pleasant and some not so, I felt compelled to take a narrow uphill path. After a minute or so, I turned the corner and found myself surprised to have arrived at my destination. There stood the Tate Modern, fierce, imposing and great all at the same time....
Thinking back and thinking forwards, that walk feels as if it represents the journey I'm currently on. In many ways I've always felt like I was destined for something greater. Anytime my mind settled on a simpler dream, a dream that wasn't my own, I felt like I was doing just that, settling. So here I am on my walk, on my journey. And maybe, just maybe, after many detours, I have finally stumbled upon that little narrow uphill path that will ultimately lead me to my destination."


That holiday awakened something in me. I really can't fully explain it, but upon returning home, I felt inspired, joyous and hopeful. The hopelessness and the dark thoughts that had plagued me had disappeared. That little week in London & Paris breathed new life into me. For the first time in months, I felt light and happy. I felt bold & courageous. Where once I felt imprisoned by my own anguish, I suddenly stood liberated and free. Somehow, I knew that as long as I listened to myself, to my heart, I was on my way to my destination. 


End of PART ONE.... because life beckons and I am, at the moment, required "to put down my pen." I realize that was an abrupt ending, but as soon as the opportunity presents itself, further explanation is to come.