So it's been a tough few weeks. Hence the infrequency of posts. Honestly nothing major has really happened, just that the things that are happening are happening all at once. The fall term is finally coming to an end. Which means I've got 2 essays, 2 research papers, and 4 final exams that I've still got to complete. Monday, 19 December is my last exam and I really couldn't be happier to be flying off to Chicago the very next day to finally start celebrating the holidays.
In the meantime, my cousin from Toronto is flying in to visit for a week, which means a lot of face stuffing, tea drinking, museum visiting, late night talking, unnecessary giggling, family visiting, Christmas party attending, etc, etc, etc... As excited as I am for her visit, the fact that it coincides with my final exams and paper deadlines is kinda worrying. I've also got some overdue quality time I owe my friends before I leave. I've got 10 days til I fly off to Chicago and I honestly don't have a minute to spare until then. All that said, I really mustn't complain since half the things I have to do are actually things I'm excited for. So although the past few weeks have been spent in a rather melancholic mood, I really am looking forward to the next few weeks coming up.
All the exciting things I've got planned set aside, I'll be honest and must admit that I'm exhausted. More than anything else, I feel emotionally drained. Like I've said, nothing major has happened, but I've just been doing so much thinking that I'm exhausted from it. For example, a few days ago I realized something about an old relationship of mine (ended in 2009) and it really threw me for a loop. You see, my last long term relationship (nearly nine years, if that's not long term to you, I don't know what is) is something that I harboured a lot of negative feelings towards. No, I'm not mad at that particular ex-boyfriend, in fact it ended amicably, and I wish him well. It's just that I resented not really getting anything out of it in the end. I spent a bulk of my twenties in that relationship, and I suppose I felt as if I wasted my twenties because of it.
Anyway, this train of thought started when I finally got around to checking my oft neglected yahoo email account, and went through all the old messages I never deleted when it used to be my primary email. I went all the way back to 2005. Which means a lot of the messages where between me and that particular long term ex. To be honest I wasn't emotional reading any of it, in fact I snickered quite a lot because I knew how daft I was being. Nonetheless I came across some emails that made me giggle, and I actually remembered some of the times when I had fun with said ex boyfriend. I forgot I had fun with said ex boyfriend. For the longest time, whenever I looked back on that relationship I only remembered it as a relationship that went past its due date. That's all I remembered from it, especially in hindsight. I actually forgot that there was a time when I thought I wasn't wasting my time, and I was enjoying being in my twenties. The realization that I had enjoyed moments being in that relationship was so shocking that I felt incredibly shaken up. Look... I'm definitely over this guy. I was over it a few months after it ended, and I've had new ex boyfriends to add to that list since. But I had forgotten this guy, especially that at one point I had felt something towards him. In a way I felt guilty with this new (to me) information because even thought it was definitely the longest relationship of my 28 years, I don't view it as the most important relationship I've had. In fact it was probably the relationship I wish I never had. But... in light of my new epiphanies concerning said relationship, maybe I don't regret it as much as I do. I suppose, this is what I tell myself at least, I've finally come to terms with having spent nearly 9 years with said ex and that maybe I don't regret the relationship after all. Which really is something I never thought I would say.
Anyway, there are so much more things I wish I could write in this post, but I'm going to leave it at that "epiphany" for now. I have more written and even more thoughts stored in my head that there will definitely be more musings coming up. Because I probably will burst from too much thinking if I don't put pen to paper (or finger to keys more like) and organize my jumbled, overflowing thoughts. I do however want to say (this possibly a foreshadowing of musings to come...) that I've had a very complicated life story. Especially within the last few years. In fact, I'm quite sure the last three years have been the biggest roller coaster of emotions and instability I've ever had to go through. I share a lot of my life through social media, but I only share what I want. Which, at the end of the day, isn't really much. So if you think you can surmise who I am as a person purely based on what I publicly share, believe me when I say you are mistaken.
There are people out there that think because I don't walk around with the weight of the world on my shoulders that life has been easy for me. Again, believe me when I say it has not. In fact I can say with much conviction that it's been nothing but difficult and complicated, marred with the worst kinds of situations. I have learned a lot of lessons going through what I've gone through. It is due to my resilience and those hard earned lessons that I manage to put one foot in front of the other, my head held high. Knowing that the hardest part is probably over. Knowing that I'm lucky enough to have people who love me. Knowing that if I can get through what I've gone through, falling to pieces and slowly putting those pieces back together, I can get through anything else life has to throw at me. That maybe the tides will change and if I keep hanging on, I'll finally get to the part of my life that I've been waiting for. So bear with me as I trudge ahead.... and for now, please, keep trying to get to know me, but always keep in mind, that there will always be more to know. (and err... sorry that this post has turned into an essay of sorts.)
xx, mae
